addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
