I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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