3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my phone needs a breathalizer
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
