You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
