I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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