i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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