morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
