She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
