No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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