Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
