she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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