a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
