you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize