I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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