Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
