he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
