I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
