I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
