Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
