shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
