3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
