Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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