No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
