He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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