How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize