I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
