Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
