he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
