You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
