Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
