That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
