Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
