Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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