This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
