if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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