so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
