I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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