I accidentally had phone sex last night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
