my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
this just has baby written all over it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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