my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
