On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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