On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
