i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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