see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
