If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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