i already hear my dad disowning me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
what the fuck happened to the tacos
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
