Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
