Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
