i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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