There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
