My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
