Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
