I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
