If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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