A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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