I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
