found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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