So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
