I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
