took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
