My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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