We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
