3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
