Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
