i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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